I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Randomize
