Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
