I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
