i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
