Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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