is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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