i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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