my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
