is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
