I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
