In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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