I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
