i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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