He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Randomize
