you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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