you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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