i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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