i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
