So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize