I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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