If that was your dad, he is hot
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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