i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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