if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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