Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
