After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
