I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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