I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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