You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize