4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
