I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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