I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
