I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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