Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
BRING THE BAGELS
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
