i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
