My friends, they love my intelligence
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
