I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
