Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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