Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize