if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
