There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
