I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Randomize