Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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