Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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