actually, I'm a sock model
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
