Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Randomize
