i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Randomize
