im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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