the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize