...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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