I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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