Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
