Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
