she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
