Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
