I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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