smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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