My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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