I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
