She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
