note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
