Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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