I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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