There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
