I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
